KYLE WITH THE ASS-PILES FUCKPANTS

Was going to post this as a comment on Sloane Howell‘s post and then thought wait one goddamn minute. I can USE this drama to help sell some books!!! Oh boy, I’m going to rack up.
 
Please don’t watch too closely as I use this cute little gimmick called “writing” It’s this thing they’re going around doing lately, writing stories, posing as authors. Selling books and stuff. Yes, it’s no secret I’m one of these great schemers.
Clears throat.
 
—-
 
(Staring in the mirror, face twisting with epic drama) “GOD DAMMIT Logan!!! JUST OUT OF THE GATE AND YOU BLEW OUR COVER!!! HOW MANY TIMES DID WE GO OVER THIS? DON’T USE DASHES–I’M THE DASH PERSON– ONLY– NOT REALLY BUT STILL– PEOPLE WILL ASSUME. And hell, def don’t use exclamation marks!!! Those belong to THE BAT.
Another epic and long sigh. “Okay, for all of us in different time zones, don’t forget your wakey wakey pills. Remember, no sleeping.”
 
“Kind of stupid to make us all from different time zones.”
 
Points a hard finger at Jacob. “I told you we had to do that to make it look legit.”
 
“You should add an Aussie author,” Mason mutters with a chuckle. “That way we’re on twenty-four-seven. They’ll never figure it out.”
 
“Cute Wolf. But having your wolf-ass being in ENGLAND is quite enough stress.”
 
Scratches my vagina and studies the faces in mirror.
 
“I’m kind of tired,” Logan says. “You think I can have a nap?”
 
Closes eyes. “Fuck whatever. Go get some sleep, we’ll come up with a tragic emergency. It’ll help sales. Besides, Mason will be up in a moment and we’ve got to get ready with the letters gimmick. I’ve got Lucian writing a years worth and now Wolf. My fucking fingers are going to fall off.”
 
“I say we blow this motherfucker sky high, kick mr kyle right in those tumors growing out of his ass.”
 
“Lucian please. Go get your goddamn chocolate covered coffee beans and meditate a few minutes. Or JUICE something, it’ll all pass like gas”
 
Wipes dramatic fake tears. “This drama post about drama will pull in some extra readers. Build our fan base. Sell some books.” 
 
“We need to reign in Jacob,” Logan says.
 
More gaspy gasps with gaping mouth. “He’s your ever-lovin-darn brother! Make it work!”
 
“It’s good for sales!!!” Jacob squeals.
 
Turns to Alex Lucian. “What do you mean they’ll accuse me of doing just what the article said!?!?”
 
Lucian’s laughter #BOOMS. “Right, we’ll be doing what kyle ass pile did– make drama like a little momma by attacking other authors.”
 
“You should have gone gender-less like me.”
 
“Alex, how many times have we discussed this? It’s kind of LATE for us to do that cute trick, we’re already fake MEN! Now… we need to get it together all my brothers from a hundred mothers.”
 
Places hand on mirror. “On three. One–two–“
 
“Watch the dashes,” Jacob mumbles.
 
“For fucksake, drop the dash shit Mr. run around like the Lucian-Clone-Kool-Aid-Man. Everybody uses dashes, everybody use periods, question marks.”
 
“And alphabets,” Mason says.
 
“Exactly!”
“And loos,” Mason adds.
“And LOOS!, thank you Wolf.”
“And Facebook,” Mason tosses in.
 
“Always a breath of fresh air Wolfie,” I wink at him. “We really need to use your personna more, I just adore your bloody English wit.”
 
Puts hand on mirror again. “Okay, on three. One–two–three–THE-DIRTY- HALF-DOZEN!!!” ……….
“Why are we called that again? We’re only five,” Jacob says.
 
“Yeah. Who’s the sixth?” Logan wonders.
 
Mega incredulous look in the mirror. “I do really appreciate how indebted to your roles you’ve become but… it worries me when I see you forget that we–” I circle my finger in the air “–are GOD!” Two snorts and a gasp. “Duh!”
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12 Responses to KYLE WITH THE ASS-PILES FUCKPANTS

  1. Valerie DeGeorge says:

    Omg I’m Pmsl here Lucian I fucking love u hard lol

  2. This is the best Lucian!!! Can’t stop laughing!! I already loved you before…but, now!?!?! You have just moved up my “favorites” list!!! (Gonna start stalking the hex outta you now!!!) Well said and very entertaining!!! Thank you SOOO much for this!!!

  3. Yvette says:

    This was too funny!!

  4. Deb says:

    Sooooo, what you are saying is you are the female version of Sybil with a God complex?

    -!snort-!gasp!-!snort!- (I got lost on how many there were supposed to be, lol)

    “brothers from a hundred mothers” holy shit that guy was busy! LMAO

    #MyNameIsDeb (really it is even if fb says it isn’t)

  5. Jan Wade says:

    Consummate Lucian Bane! Always uniquely you, always highly entertaining! Loved it!

  6. Judy says:

    Wow I just found your writing and you have gone to the top of all my lists! I’ve been binge reading day and night since – just took a break to find more about you. Keep UP the God work. (I’ve never laughed so hard Reading. I LOVE Steve!)

  7. Rin Barcal says:

    Im just hopen all these dudes r real… otherwise,,,,the dude looking in the mirror has a lot of voices running around,,,,in his head. eh,,,, could you imagine,,,,wouldnt even need friends with all those conversations going on. omg!!!!! this is why I dont have friends.

  8. Ruby Hinkleberry says:

    Lmao, we’ll that was entertaining and confusing as well. But it made me laugh out lot in public. So all the weird loss are worth it!!

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  • Note:

    I usually refer to males as the more dominant and females as the more submissive. The intention is NOT to say that ALL relationships should fit that pattern. My relationship experience is with male dominant, female submissive arrangements and that is the only sort of relationship I have firsthand knowledge about.