So You Want A Dom, Do You?

Class is back in session, ladies. Good morning. It’s been a few days since the last post, where we boosted morale in order to take the baby steps in our journey.

self worth, self esteem, relationship, BDSM, submissive, Lucian Bane

So. Where are we going in this journey, anyway? So important to keep your eye on the goal. More important to know what your goal is.

So, let’s assume that you ladies would like a Dom. A man that takes charge in the bedroom, grabs you by the hair, and unleashes the passion buried in his soul until you scream his name. A man that, with a word, a look, a tone, a touch, turns that iron resolve of yours into a senseless God yes, fuck me. Is this all you want? All you’ve ever wanted? Well, good news is, you can have that. More good news is (if you’re an optimist) is that you have the power to create this in your husband, shape it, resurrect it, bridle it.

You just need to learn one thing before you get that amazing passion out of your man.

Becoming The Proper Sub

*Stares at all of you with quirked brow* You… did consider that in order to have a proper Dom, you would need to be a proper sub?

This is where shit is going to get very real in ways that will surprise you. Because being a proper sub is nothing like many of the fiction books portray. You’re not here to learn how to be a door mat, punching bag, or full-time sex-benefit-offspring-bearing employee. Fuck no. What I’m going to talk about is much much greater than that. I’m going to talk about how to be a soul mate. And that, my friends, is the ultimate job desciption for a proper sub.

So What Is A Proper Sub

A sub/soul-mate’s sole purpose is “being one” with another person. I know how much that doesn’t explain a thing, bear with me. Starting with, “How in the hell do we be one with somebody?”

Let’s lay out the major highlights of what being one with your mate looks like.

1.   Love

2.   Honor

3.   Cherish

4.   Protect

5.   Nurture

No, it’s not just the Dom’s role to be all those things, it is also the sub’s. Keep in mind that my definition of Dom/sub is a “negotiation of privileges” between two soul mates. To keep this post to managable bites, I’ll break that above list to kitchen speak (aka, talk we all get) *initiates ten second group booty bump and strange mouth noises to represent groovy tunes*


Believe it or not, this one can get tricky. While we are equipped to love in various ways, it’s important for us to not mix those up. Example:

1.  You should not love your husband like you love your child.

2.  You should not love your husband only as your best friend

3.  You should not love your husband like you love your father.

4.  You should not love your husband like you love God.

So, how should you love your husband? You should love your husband the way you love yourself. (insert loud record scratch here)

“But Sir Lucian, I don’t really love myself.”

God, trust me, I feel you. But to that I say, herein lies the first correction that MUST be made in your life. Don’t freak out, I’m not going to ask you to feel love for yourself yet, but I will ask that you do those things that constitute or define loving yourself.  And just like with any muscle you exercise, after you begin to do it your body will catch up to the concept and your emotions will correct themselves.

Two Basic Kinds Of People

Usually, there are two kinds of people. Those that are overly submissive to the point of victim, and those who are overly dominant and say “fuck that, nobody tells me what to do, I’m the boss of my life.” And then there is a third rare kind of person who “finds” (requires learning) the proper balance between the two.

So… speaking to the extremist, which are you? It’s easy to tell, really.

If you:

Never think of what you want but rather what your kids, husband, friends or enemies want first, then you are a “Victim” extreme.

One of the biggest misconceptions I’ve seen is people confusing this “victim” extreme with being a proper submissive. And I’m calling it a victim extreme because that’s what you end up becoming, a victim.

This is not proper submission. This is proper low self esteem.

“You don’t count” is the bottom line of this little atrocious mindset.

And guess what? More times than not, you hide this “you don’t count” lie, you hide from that lie, and/or you may not even be aware of that lie, but regardless, it’s the root or reason for why you do what you do and don’t do for yourself.

Popular victim mindsets:

“I’m loving/doing it for my kids.”

Example of this: Mom obeys kids, gives them what they want because “she loves them” when in fact she’s training them to expect people to obey their wishes no matter if they’re right or wrong, good or bad for them. Or mom does everything for them because “she loves them”, when in fact she’s teaching them how to be lazy and expecting others to do everyting for them. Hell, she’s forming an abuser out of them. Thanks mom but we don’t need any more animals in the world.

“I’m loving/ doing it for my husband.”

Example of this: Husband comes home after work and expects wife to wait on him even though maybe she put in a full day at work as well. But it’s expected of her to do the “female” duties in a home. This teaches the sons tht it’s right and acceptable to be unfair to their wives, and the daughter’s will think it’s normal instead of abusive to be treated that way and think it’s normal to allow anybody to treat them that way.

I’m doing it for friends/boss/work.”

Example of this: Friends and work demand things of you that go beyond “fair” to you. You allow it because you want to be “nice.” You want to “help”. You don’t want to be rude. But it’s all at the expense of your mental/emotional well-being as well as the well-being of your family. So you hurt yourself and your family to help others. This teaches those watching that friends/work come before family and yourself. You are teaching them how to be a victim. How to let life abuse you.

“I’m loving/ doing it for God.”

Example of this: To me, this is the most disgusting form of abuse. Using God as an excuse to help everybody while abusing yourself and neglecting your family teaches kids the following: God stole my mom and dad from me. He required everything of them and left nothing for me. If that is God, then I would rather not serve Him. I realize that is the LAST thing “believing” parents want to do to their kids, but it is often exaclty what they do. They do it for various reasons, none of them justified. It is another guise selfish people use to do what they like, and what victims do because they serve in a mindless capacity.  If your kids don’t end up hating God, they’ll learn to use God as a means for their own selfish ends.

It almost looks honorable

The victim mindset looks damn near honorable, doesn’t it? Just a little lie among the multitude of truths can break a mighty empire. Especially that one little lie of “you don’t count.”

Yes, I’m doing this. Yes, I’m going into this one deep, because it’s necessary.

Really, in all honesty, doing those above things is fabu-fucking-licious when you INCLUDE YOURSELF into that list. But if you don’t? If you don’t start treating yourself with the SAME value you do your kids and husband and friends, guess what you’re doing?

You are teaching by EXAMPLE (the number one way kids learn) how to NEGLECT/HATE themselves. You are teaching your children how to be a good victim in the guise of a mother/wife. They will learn by your example how to take abuse in all its VARYING forms; lying down, sucking it up, smiling as though it’s fucking fine and RIGHT.


So, first important order of business now is… YOU.

YOU have got to begin taking control of what you do in the family, for the family, and why you do it.

Do you want to love your family? Do you want to look back and realize that in ALL your submissions, you’ve led your babies into a hell on earth? God-fucking-forbid. But if you don’t straighten out how you see yourself, your kids will be formed and shaped under the same bent, unhealthy mindset that you are under.

If this is who you are, the good news is, you can still CHANGE things. It’s not too late. Your kids will always be learning from you, even in your older age, so don’t stop, you’re a parent till death claims you from this Earth. And if you’ve been a lousy parent for whatever reason and taught them how to be a victim, all the more reason to change now and teach them how to undo that. Giving up is not an option. Wipe that out of your mind. You will straighten the crooked, that is your job, that is what you will do and they will learn as adults just as you are learning.

So, let’s begin reformatting. We’ll start small and we’ll start in your mind.

I want you to say every day:

1.My physcial needs count.

2. My desires count.

3. My emotional health counts.

4. My mental health counts.

5. My spiritual health counts.

6. I am important to my children.

7. I am important to my husband.

8. I am important to God.

9. I am important to ME.

Now you will move that above list into the physical aspect of your life. Because in order to really change things for certain, you must change them in your mind AND body, and over time, it will root itself into your heart and soul, to that point where you believe what you are saying to yourself and doing for yourself, and it will bring you real joy rather than just going through the motions and smiling as though you are happy when you are fucking miserable and dying a rotting death inside. That shit’s gotta go.

So, the physical therapy side of this job is you beginning to DO things for YOU.  You, physcially thinking and doing things for yourself like you’re your own best friend. Don’t think you’re worth all that? Don’t think you deserve it?

Challenge then:

Make a list of all the things you do for others. (I’m serious)

And let’s talk again about who is amazing. You are amazing. I’m not asking you to FEEL amazing, I’m just asking you to trust me and believe me when I say you are so that we can get what you need in your life. A happy marriage/family.

Yes, the solution begins inside of you

and then it spreads to those outside of you. People respond and react to who you are and what you do. You start changing who you are and what you do, and people will start changing how they respond to you. You may have heard it said that “You can’t change people”. Well, I’m here to say that is a crock of shit to a great degree. Yes, we all have free will but that doesn’t mean we can’t behave a certain way that inspires people to change how they respond to us.

I know this post was long, but since I’m only giving you one a week, I wanted to give you enough substance to nibble on.

Your assignment:

Ask yourself this: Would I want my daughter to see herself the way I see myself? If the answer is yes, then you are likely on the right path. If it is no, I want you to begin a strategy to start changing that. Think you can’t do it? Pretend you’re doing it for your daughter/friend and you will find it within yourself to craft a workable plan that helps change how you see yourself and how you treat yourself.

My suggestion:

Find a few friends with the same issue, and work as a team. It’ll be just like an exercise group, only you’re conducting exercises for your self-worth.

My warning:

Brainstorm PRACTICAL ideas, don’t go all out and bring on a family armageddon. Start small, go slow. Likely those who are around you appreciate your victim qualities since it serves them. And likely too, if they get a hint that you may be cutting back on their selfish indulgences that your victim mentality awarded them, they may revolt.

This is going to be a painful operation for all involved. When you change who you are, it forces those around you to change how they respond to you. And again, being the reciprocator of your victim disease may or may not be well received. So, convincing them that balance will make everyody happier, is something that needs to be taught with actions, more than words.

Final note: You are in a war. You cannot get out of this war. You can only fight the good fight and live. Or lay down and wish you were dead.


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34 Responses to So You Want A Dom, Do You?

  1. Kim says:

    I absolutely am floored by your words Lucian. Just another thing to laminate and put up on my wall! I commented on your last post a few weeks ago. If you have a moment I would like you see what I wrote. Because this isn’t just for couples. Thank you for all your wisdom!! <3

  2. Shannon says:

    I have to say I’m inspired. I am actually going through a divorce. BUT this is going to be very useful in dating. I don’t let men/people walk all over me, but I will admit I give in to a certain extent. I am a pleaser. So Lucian, I am going to do your challenges. I look forward to your next post!

  3. Tammy Jackson says:

    Thank you Lucian for all of your posts. They’re ALWAYS filled with SO MUCH helpful information and GREAT advice. Every time I read your posts, it just floors me. You are just AWESOME and a lot of the things you talk about I can relate to. You words and wisdom help me and I just want to say “THANK YOU”. Thank you for all of the advice you put out there for us. Your words are VERY insightful and and make a person actually sit back and think. Looking forward to your next post, as always. 🙂

  4. pasqualina tekaucic says:

    I want to say thank you.

  5. Kim says:

    As I sit here and read this I can’t help but cry. I am not even sure how to say everything I am feeling right now. I am lost!!! I am a “victim”. Somewhere along the way I have lost me. I am trying to work through baggage from my abusive first marriage, that continues to cause problems in my marriage now.

    Your words make so much sense, but yet they go against everything I have been told all my life. I want to feel better about myself and be happy in my marriage now. There is so much more I wish I could explain, but I am not comfortable with putting it out there for everyone right now.

    I am so amazed at how determined you are to help anyone that you can. Thank you for that and please don’t stop. Thank you for this blog and telling us like it is. You are speaking to us as a mass, but yet you make us feel like it is individualized for each of us. Thank you for wanting to be there for support while all of us learn to fight the wars we are waging against ourselves. You make me want to fight.

    • Kim says:

      Kim that was beautiful!

    • says:

      Yes, thank you for that Kim. You make me want to keep helping.

      P.S. I updated the post and added some examples.

      • Kim says:

        Sadly, I am a couple of the examples, but I am going to start trying to change that. I have two beautiful daughters and I want them to grow up to be strong women believing in themselves. I have always said I would never do what my family did to me to my children. I have realized even though I don’t put them down with negative comments, they still are seeing it from how I feel about myself. I can already see traits of my low self-esteem in one of them, but now I know how to change that for her. Thank you for opening my eyes to this.

        Thank you again for all you do!!

  6. Joanna says:

    Wow, Lucian!!! There is so much wisdom in you. I read this and was floored because you just called me on all my stuff. LOL. Seriously, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to start from the beginning and taking baby steps with us newbies. You’re amazing and I’m grateful to God for allowing us to cross paths. I can’t wait until the next post!

    • says:

      Thank you. I’m grateful for the opportunity to help. Using my experiences to help others makes it worthwhile.

  7. Alicia says:

    As I am not currently in a romantic relationship I wasn’t sure if this series of posts would really apply to me. This one however, completely hit home with me. Earlier this year I realized I was ‘doing everything for everyone else’ and not really taking time to do anything to make sure I was happy. I have been working on it, slowly, painfully, I am seeing how badly I was letting myself down by putting everyone else first. The points you have hit on here, have solidified in my head that I need to do this, not only for myself, but to make sure my kids grow up with an idea that won’t lead them down the same path that I traveled on for too many years. Thank you Lucian for giving a little deeper perspective into what I was already working on!

    • says:

      Thank you. Yes, this series will apply to friendships and work, as well as romantic relationships. Your kids are the best reason to work on all this.

  8. Rach.. says:

    As always your the wise one, you always make people see and understand what they don’t, I’m glad your around to try help guide us though all this,
    I know the biggest steps come from our selfs and we are the only ones who can really change the things that we struggle with, as always everytime I read these these they make me cry it’s like your explaining my life back to me,
    Thank you for taking time to try helping us realise that things can and need to change.

    • says:

      Thank you. You’re right that the biggest steps come from yourselves. All I can do is try to give everyone the tools I’m familiar with and the benefit of my experiences.

  9. Giana says:

    Wow. Sitting here reading this makes me absolutely speechless. Everything you described is me to the T. I never used to be the “victim” but due to a bad relationship, I lost sight of myself and was completely broke down till there was nothing left. I now have a habit of dragging my past relationship problems with me to the new ones and end up causing them to run away or do the same shit to me. I need to be happy and find myself again before my daughter ends up like me.

    Everything you said makes total sense, but as Kim said, it goes against everything I have been told. I too would like to feel better about myself, I would like the old me back or at least a better version. I’m so tired of being walked all over and taking the “abuse”. I am a 23 year old single mother, and I will be damned if my daughter ends up a “victim” like me.

    Thank you for taking the time to make posts like these and help the people who have tried endlessly to help themselves only to fall back down and want to give up.

    • says:

      Thank you. Yes, our society has made women victims for far too long. They’re taught fromt he beginning to take care of others first. Changing that way of thinking won’t be easy.

      • Giana says:

        Nothing in life is ever easy, I just need possible 🙂 I’m going to work very hard to not be a victim anymore.

  10. Lauren says:

    Wow powerful words my marriage is broken bc I am a “extreme victim” and I started standing up for myself and kids and it made things worse. I should have done things differently. I am going to start with me bc I want to be happy again. Thanks Lucian for your words and advice.

    • says:

      Thank you. Yes, sometimes the person who benefits the most from the “victim” fights back when things start changing. Doing it gradually and starting from within can help make it easier, but isn’t a guarantee the other person will accept the changes.

  11. Tanya Sands says:

    I was profoundly moved by this and would LOVE to work on this with friends, but have none in the lifestyle. I HAVE seen that the victim description does sound very familiar. I am a very unselfish person and make sure that those around me are happy or taken care of before me. I tend to leave my welfare on the back burner, saying I’ll get to me later. Then when later comes, I convince myself that I’m too tired. *sigh* I have a dom that am not close to , distance wise, and we’ve not been able to meet too often. I know he’s needing our sessions as much as I do, but I feel bad when I tell him I really need to see him.

    • says:

      Thanks, Tanya. The thing to remember is, this isn’t just confined to the BDSM lifestyle. It’s universal. Perhaps you know women not in the lifestyle who would be willing to work as a group? Or even online support is better than none.

  12. Wendy says:

    Wow! This is amazing! I am exactly what you wrote. I’m the victim! You said exactly what I need to hear. Thank you so much 🙂

  13. linda says:

    This was such an inspiring read! Thank you!

  14. Esa says:

    Thank you so much for your insightful words I appreciate it!

  15. CC says:

    As a Child of the poster couble for a Doormatt and eternal victim mother and a do and say what the fuck i want farther i have to say your word hit the soul of my very core ! I am one of those rare people who have fought all my life to keep some sort of balance in my life doing some extreme soul searching just to keep my sanity and get on with my life. Well this is a short version of my story: When i started my dating live i allways got mixed up with selfcentered/ego men who seemed to want a pushover and I tended to show my disgust by it and they would dump me after some time…. (For some reason i have never broken up with a guy nor have i ever persued one i want, clearly selfesteem issues i think ) When i grew older and i hope wiser i did some serious soul searching to why some sorted part of me wanted a man like that. And i came up with the grand idea that next time my mind and body told me to want a man i would simply not listen and in stead let a some poor guy who i would probably not have considered (do to some failure in my wiring lol) have a chance. Today (13 years later) i am still with that poor guy….. (LooooooL) It takes work and we do have some sexual issues wich thanks to you lucian i now know mostly is my doing. I have been living in my head with my buttcheeks pulled so tight around my ears that i nothing but bullshit ever came out my mouth when sex was concearned. It was like my last resort of clinging on to a wall that was private with angsiety, fear of rejection and just low selfasteeme. He shows me every day that he loves cherrish and respects me and that he puts up with me build up walls to protect myselte from…. duuugh …..somebody who clearly loves me Our sexlife has improved allready and i can tell my husband likes the new and more open me 😉
    Lulian thank you for giving me a shakeup … and for adressing some really important issues…

  16. Jennifer says:

    I have been busy – putting others before myself in truth – and am only getting to catch up on the last couple of these now. I truly hope you recognize how amazing you are in the simple fact of letting your words, your view of things reach others. Everyone needs it…and when it comes to something like this, some of us need your words more than others. Its one thing to be told by a friend or family member that you might do to much…its very different – and much more effective – to have it spelled out in black and white by someone who does not know you but speaks as if they can see right through you. Thank you for doing this…for continuing to do this.

  17. Sylvia Machiovelli says:

    Thank you Lucian . It’s as if you know me . I am not currently married but was in an abusive marriage for years. Followed by a few bad relationship. I have recently began working on myself , due to the observances of a few friends ( and help from them as well )but this article knocked me off my feet . I’ll be accepting your challenge Sir. . Thank you for the new found direction ( so to speak. )

  18. julie says:

    Thank you. I didn’t realize what was happening. I began my war a few years ago and I didn’t know it. This is just confirmation and a push to get back on track. I fell so many times I had quit fighting. Thank you again. Getting back on track!

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  • Note:

    I usually refer to males as the more dominant and females as the more submissive. The intention is NOT to say that ALL relationships should fit that pattern. My relationship experience is with male dominant, female submissive arrangements and that is the only sort of relationship I have firsthand knowledge about.