Class is back in session, ladies. Good morning. It’s been a few days since the last post, where we boosted morale in order to take the baby steps in our journey.
So. Where are we going in this journey, anyway? So important to keep your eye on the goal. More important to know what your goal is.
So, let’s assume that you ladies would like a Dom. A man that takes charge in the bedroom, grabs you by the hair, and unleashes the passion buried in his soul until you scream his name. A man that, with a word, a look, a tone, a touch, turns that iron resolve of yours into a senseless God yes, fuck me. Is this all you want? All you’ve ever wanted? Well, good news is, you can have that. More good news is (if you’re an optimist) is that you have the power to create this in your husband, shape it, resurrect it, bridle it.
You just need to learn one thing before you get that amazing passion out of your man.
Becoming The Proper Sub
*Stares at all of you with quirked brow* You… did consider that in order to have a proper Dom, you would need to be a proper sub?
This is where shit is going to get very real in ways that will surprise you. Because being a proper sub is nothing like many of the fiction books portray. You’re not here to learn how to be a door mat, punching bag, or full-time sex-benefit-offspring-bearing employee. Fuck no. What I’m going to talk about is much much greater than that. I’m going to talk about how to be a soul mate. And that, my friends, is the ultimate job desciption for a proper sub.
So What Is A Proper Sub
A sub/soul-mate’s sole purpose is “being one” with another person. I know how much that doesn’t explain a thing, bear with me. Starting with, “How in the hell do we be one with somebody?”
Let’s lay out the major highlights of what being one with your mate looks like.
No, it’s not just the Dom’s role to be all those things, it is also the sub’s. Keep in mind that my definition of Dom/sub is a “negotiation of privileges” between two soul mates. To keep this post to managable bites, I’ll break that above list to kitchen speak (aka, talk we all get) *initiates ten second group booty bump and strange mouth noises to represent groovy tunes*
Believe it or not, this one can get tricky. While we are equipped to love in various ways, it’s important for us to not mix those up. Example:
1. You should not love your husband like you love your child.
2. You should not love your husband only as your best friend
3. You should not love your husband like you love your father.
4. You should not love your husband like you love God.
So, how should you love your husband? You should love your husband the way you love yourself. (insert loud record scratch here)
“But Sir Lucian, I don’t really love myself.”
God, trust me, I feel you. But to that I say, herein lies the first correction that MUST be made in your life. Don’t freak out, I’m not going to ask you to feel love for yourself yet, but I will ask that you do those things that constitute or define loving yourself. And just like with any muscle you exercise, after you begin to do it your body will catch up to the concept and your emotions will correct themselves.
Two Basic Kinds Of People
Usually, there are two kinds of people. Those that are overly submissive to the point of victim, and those who are overly dominant and say “fuck that, nobody tells me what to do, I’m the boss of my life.” And then there is a third rare kind of person who “finds” (requires learning) the proper balance between the two.
So… speaking to the extremist, which are you? It’s easy to tell, really.
Never think of what you want but rather what your kids, husband, friends or enemies want first, then you are a “Victim” extreme.
One of the biggest misconceptions I’ve seen is people confusing this “victim” extreme with being a proper submissive. And I’m calling it a victim extreme because that’s what you end up becoming, a victim.
This is not proper submission. This is proper low self esteem.
“You don’t count” is the bottom line of this little atrocious mindset.
And guess what? More times than not, you hide this “you don’t count” lie, you hide from that lie, and/or you may not even be aware of that lie, but regardless, it’s the root or reason for why you do what you do and don’t do for yourself.
Popular victim mindsets:
“I’m loving/doing it for my kids.”
Example of this: Mom obeys kids, gives them what they want because “she loves them” when in fact she’s training them to expect people to obey their wishes no matter if they’re right or wrong, good or bad for them. Or mom does everything for them because “she loves them”, when in fact she’s teaching them how to be lazy and expecting others to do everyting for them. Hell, she’s forming an abuser out of them. Thanks mom but we don’t need any more animals in the world.
“I’m loving/ doing it for my husband.”
Example of this: Husband comes home after work and expects wife to wait on him even though maybe she put in a full day at work as well. But it’s expected of her to do the “female” duties in a home. This teaches the sons tht it’s right and acceptable to be unfair to their wives, and the daughter’s will think it’s normal instead of abusive to be treated that way and think it’s normal to allow anybody to treat them that way.
I’m doing it for friends/boss/work.”
Example of this: Friends and work demand things of you that go beyond “fair” to you. You allow it because you want to be “nice.” You want to “help”. You don’t want to be rude. But it’s all at the expense of your mental/emotional well-being as well as the well-being of your family. So you hurt yourself and your family to help others. This teaches those watching that friends/work come before family and yourself. You are teaching them how to be a victim. How to let life abuse you.
“I’m loving/ doing it for God.”
Example of this: To me, this is the most disgusting form of abuse. Using God as an excuse to help everybody while abusing yourself and neglecting your family teaches kids the following: God stole my mom and dad from me. He required everything of them and left nothing for me. If that is God, then I would rather not serve Him. I realize that is the LAST thing “believing” parents want to do to their kids, but it is often exaclty what they do. They do it for various reasons, none of them justified. It is another guise selfish people use to do what they like, and what victims do because they serve in a mindless capacity. If your kids don’t end up hating God, they’ll learn to use God as a means for their own selfish ends.
It almost looks honorable
The victim mindset looks damn near honorable, doesn’t it? Just a little lie among the multitude of truths can break a mighty empire. Especially that one little lie of “you don’t count.”
Yes, I’m doing this. Yes, I’m going into this one deep, because it’s necessary.
Really, in all honesty, doing those above things is fabu-fucking-licious when you INCLUDE YOURSELF into that list. But if you don’t? If you don’t start treating yourself with the SAME value you do your kids and husband and friends, guess what you’re doing?
You are teaching by EXAMPLE (the number one way kids learn) how to NEGLECT/HATE themselves. You are teaching your children how to be a good victim in the guise of a mother/wife. They will learn by your example how to take abuse in all its VARYING forms; lying down, sucking it up, smiling as though it’s fucking fine and RIGHT.
It’s NOT. RIGHT.
So, first important order of business now is… YOU.
YOU have got to begin taking control of what you do in the family, for the family, and why you do it.
Do you want to love your family? Do you want to look back and realize that in ALL your submissions, you’ve led your babies into a hell on earth? God-fucking-forbid. But if you don’t straighten out how you see yourself, your kids will be formed and shaped under the same bent, unhealthy mindset that you are under.
If this is who you are, the good news is, you can still CHANGE things. It’s not too late. Your kids will always be learning from you, even in your older age, so don’t stop, you’re a parent till death claims you from this Earth. And if you’ve been a lousy parent for whatever reason and taught them how to be a victim, all the more reason to change now and teach them how to undo that. Giving up is not an option. Wipe that out of your mind. You will straighten the crooked, that is your job, that is what you will do and they will learn as adults just as you are learning.
So, let’s begin reformatting. We’ll start small and we’ll start in your mind.
I want you to say every day:
1.My physcial needs count.
2. My desires count.
3. My emotional health counts.
4. My mental health counts.
5. My spiritual health counts.
6. I am important to my children.
7. I am important to my husband.
8. I am important to God.
9. I am important to ME.
Now you will move that above list into the physical aspect of your life. Because in order to really change things for certain, you must change them in your mind AND body, and over time, it will root itself into your heart and soul, to that point where you believe what you are saying to yourself and doing for yourself, and it will bring you real joy rather than just going through the motions and smiling as though you are happy when you are fucking miserable and dying a rotting death inside. That shit’s gotta go.
So, the physical therapy side of this job is you beginning to DO things for YOU. You, physcially thinking and doing things for yourself like you’re your own best friend. Don’t think you’re worth all that? Don’t think you deserve it?
Make a list of all the things you do for others. (I’m serious)
And let’s talk again about who is amazing. You are amazing. I’m not asking you to FEEL amazing, I’m just asking you to trust me and believe me when I say you are so that we can get what you need in your life. A happy marriage/family.
Yes, the solution begins inside of you
and then it spreads to those outside of you. People respond and react to who you are and what you do. You start changing who you are and what you do, and people will start changing how they respond to you. You may have heard it said that “You can’t change people”. Well, I’m here to say that is a crock of shit to a great degree. Yes, we all have free will but that doesn’t mean we can’t behave a certain way that inspires people to change how they respond to us.
I know this post was long, but since I’m only giving you one a week, I wanted to give you enough substance to nibble on.
Ask yourself this: Would I want my daughter to see herself the way I see myself? If the answer is yes, then you are likely on the right path. If it is no, I want you to begin a strategy to start changing that. Think you can’t do it? Pretend you’re doing it for your daughter/friend and you will find it within yourself to craft a workable plan that helps change how you see yourself and how you treat yourself.
Find a few friends with the same issue, and work as a team. It’ll be just like an exercise group, only you’re conducting exercises for your self-worth.
Brainstorm PRACTICAL ideas, don’t go all out and bring on a family armageddon. Start small, go slow. Likely those who are around you appreciate your victim qualities since it serves them. And likely too, if they get a hint that you may be cutting back on their selfish indulgences that your victim mentality awarded them, they may revolt.
This is going to be a painful operation for all involved. When you change who you are, it forces those around you to change how they respond to you. And again, being the reciprocator of your victim disease may or may not be well received. So, convincing them that balance will make everyody happier, is something that needs to be taught with actions, more than words.
Final note: You are in a war. You cannot get out of this war. You can only fight the good fight and live. Or lay down and wish you were dead.