Vanilla BDSM 101….coming soon

*Note: Not all advice given in this post will apply to everybody. Only the reader can determine what does apply or doesn’t.

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“Ask yourself when was the last time you sacrificed who YOU are to allow someone else to be who THEY are.”

I found the above at the end of one of the Dom Wars reviews and it really hit me. They get it. They see it. Keep telling them, it’s coming through.

I have tried hard to convey what being a good Dom truly means. I feel some days that I’m fighting against a tidal wave of misconception. But really, it’s not a misconception but a sad case of absence. The voice of the good Dom is practically absent from the mass BDSM market. And then we wonder why our women, our daughters, our friends find themselves in relationships that make them wish they’d tried to work it out with their vanilla Tom, Jack, or Joe.

Some people say ignorance is bliss, but I’m here to tell you it’s the opposite. Women are dying, literally dying inside from needing passion, love, desire. They need it hard, they need it soft, they need it often and daily. This need is instinctual, it is deep, and it destroys relationships and breaks up families because this is not a need that should ever be denied.

So I’m standing at this crossroad I never dreamed I’d ever be at, looking around me at all of this sickness and need and I’m wondering what the fuck do we do?

Well, there is one question I get asked a lot: “How can I make the man I’m with be more passionate, more dominant?”

And that is the one thing I can help with. Am glad to help with. Eager to help with.

But the answer to that question may surprise you. It may really surprise you. And it lies in that initial quote above:

“Ask yourself when was the last time you sacrificed who YOU are to allow someone else to be who THEY are.”

Now, pose these simple questions to yourself now:

Are you sub enough for him to be Dom?

Are you quiet enough for him to speak?

Are you speaking to him or at him?

Do you respect him?

Ridicule him?

Encourage him?

Uplift him?

Appreciate him, verbally? Physically?

Yes, this dance works both ways. It always works both ways. Everybody’s relationship is a divine fingerprint on the fabric of this universe. You are making a mark on the world whether you realize it or not. This dance is not a negotiation of power, the dance is a negotiation of privilege.

I like to use the Tango as an example. Both dancers are passionate, they move as one to the heartbeat of the same ferocious desire. Sometimes you can’t tell who is leading and who is following, and that is because both positions are mirror images of the other’s love. Their every step spells out their trust and commitment to the other. The King and the Queen are one, together they are a great empire, a kingdom.

But, apart, working against one another, they are ruined, and all their kingdom with them.

This is not a game. This is a war.  A war that is taking place in the home of every man and woman, a war that is waged in our hearts and minds. Your family? Your relationships? You think they aren’t the seams of society? The heart beat of our world? I bet you look around and sometimes think… “I wished the world was a better place. Why are so many people cheating on each other? Where has the concept of commitment gone? Where is the integrity of our grandfathers? The faithfulness? Where is the “man” of yesterday? I wish I could do something.”

Well…not only can we, but it is our duty to, our honor and destiny to. Here is our chance: men, women, fathers, mothers, wives, husbands, this is our chance to be the hero of our own story, our own life. Our children’s lives. Our future generations.

Easier said than done, I know. What do we do, where do we start? Well, I can tell you right now, there is only one person we have the power and authority to change. Ourselves.

But maybe you’re sick of being the one to try, the one to be sorry and take a loss, make the sacrifice. Maybe you’re fucking tired too, lonely, and discouraged to the point of depression. Maybe you want to give up. Well, you can. But you know what I think? I think….like fuck am I going to come all this way, sweat all that sweat, cry all those tears, bleed all that blood, to throw in the towel. Family is a one way ticket. If we’re going to fight in this miserable fucking life regardless, then why not fight for what is good and right? Fighting for your family is good and right. 

I have to repeat that statement that started it all:

“When was the last time you sacrificed who YOU are to allow someone else to be who THEY are.”

How bad do you want this? Are you prepared to change some things about you in order to bring about a change in him? Are you ready to be a good submissive? Do you even know what that is? Do you realize that’s what you need to be in order for him to Dom in the relationship? Are you ready to negotiate privileges? Are you ready to learn how to bring out the full passionate Dominance within him?

I know you are.

Classes will start soon. I’ll keep you posted.

Lucian

****

Addendum:

I received some comments about not all males are dominant and not all females are subs. Here are my thoughts on the subject of male dominance and female submissiveness:

I believe all humans possess both traits in varying degrees and it is fine when the negotiation of privileges are made, that they consider the strengths and weaknesses of these traits in one another. A man can possess less dominance than a woman but that doesn’t mean he or she can’t help his dominance to flourish and grow and help her submissive traits do the same.

I also believe that nature has selected the male to perform the dominant role in various aspects of life. At times both nature and nurture will produce the opposite in varying degrees. In these cases, we work with what we have, but the dominance and submissive traits can still be nurtured and trained in whatever direction that person desires.

And finally, I think it is up to each couple to decide how they will compromise the dominant/submissive traits and roles, determining what they need from each other and what their families need from them.

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43 Responses to Vanilla BDSM 101….coming soon

  1. Kristi Collins says:

    You have a gift with words. Thank you for using it to promote the most important of causes! You are a good man and you are appreciated!!

  2. Dana D says:

    WOW!! This just blew me away! Well said Lucian!! This is a powerful message that needs to be spread all over this world!! Both partners need to have this ambition & drive to make it work. Love love love this!! Sharing it everywhere.

  3. Lori says:

    Powerful stuff. You look into the souls of men and women and speak truth. Thank you!

  4. Lorraine says:

    Wow! Speechless and impressed.

  5. Katrina says:

    What if she DID sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice until she felt she was left a hollow shell and she no longer knew who she was because HE wasn’t the type to emotionally give his submissive what she needed? It’s definitely give and give. Both have to be willing to give something in the relationship or the submissive can be left feeling she has given all but somewhere along the way she’s lost herself.

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      Absolutely true, Katrina. BOTH partners have to be willing to work at the same time toward the same goals. Otherwise it’s just an exhaustive cycle that leads to nothing.

      • Katrina says:

        Lucian, In the instance I described above and your reply makes me recall a lesson in different “love languages.” Some people’s love language may be “acts of service,” while another’s may be “physical touch” “words of affirmation” “quality time” or “receiving of gifts” or a combination of more than one.

        So, while one may show love in his own “language” the recipient may be needing it shown in a different “language.” This adds a whole new dimension to the way of thinking on how to understand “the dance.”

        See: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

        • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

          The thing is learning their language, yes. You may have been giving and giving, but sometimes it takes more than just actions, but words coupled with actions. Find out what is missing. Talk to him. Ask questions. Be speciific.

          Sometimes we have to be assertive when we’re trying to change long standing problems. The regular doses of this and that no longer work. Sometimes we all need a good kick in the ass. It’s up to you to find what is missing. Find the problem. Then we can talk about formulating a solution that will actually work. You may hve been giving all this time, but maybe it’s what you’re giving, how you’re giving it, when you give it, etc, that is all wrong. Not saying that is that case, just saying re-assess the situation. New plan of attack may be needed.

          • Katrina says:

            Oh that, marriage ended 8 years ago, but not with out marriage counseling and trying. I won’t go into it here, but I will admit I made mistakes too. But, before remarrying, both of us took a long hard look at ourselves and said, “What did we do wrong in our previous marriage? What do we expect from our mate that we didn’t get before? Then we communicated to each other A LOT! It was the best gift to ourselves and our marriage. Sure, there have been growing pains but we communicate, communicate, communicate without yelling (something that’s a bad trigger from my past) and the peace in this house is amazing. My kids are grown and on their own, but even they notice how whole I am now. I’ve found myself again.

  6. Tammy Jackson says:

    Lucian your words are just AWESOME 🙂 I look forward to your posts because they are SO REAL!!!! You truly know what you’re talking about and I think we ALL can learn from you.

  7. joann says:

    More pls!!

  8. Barb says:

    Very true…but both parties need to be on board. A submissive without a Dom can sacrifice until she is no longer.

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      I want to teach women how to move their men into action. I am fully aware of it taking 2 to tango, and I am also fully aware that many of you are attempting to dance alone. I am not going to suggest that is possible, but I am going to teach you how to seduce him into action with your words and actions.

  9. Connie Lee says:

    It is true that many of us face similar struggles, but Your insight is always so right on. I am certain this project will be nothing less than excellent. Thank You

  10. Jan Kinder says:

    Beautifully put Lucian, its work on both parts but so worth it in the end. The tango is the perfect description of how a relationship should work. Give and take on both parts vanilla, Dom/sub, and everything in between, without that how can you grow together. Thank you for you words they are an inspiration sweetheart.

  11. Teisha says:

    Thank you for sharing your words and knowledge. So many women are dying for the passion that we believe only exist in books. Love the quote and anxious to read your future posts.

  12. pasqualina tekaucic says:

    thank you for sharing how you feel

  13. Kim says:

    After reading this I’m crying because I am dying. I had no choice but divorce my ex I gave everything I was and there was nothing left to give. It was a sexless marriage .I’ve been single for 11 years and I’m dying!

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      Kim, so sorry, love. Trying again after such a devastation is a terrifying risk, one many people can never bring themselves to take again. After grieving and healing, recovery and reassessment, I pray you can move forward and try again. Caution is okay, but paralyzing fear doesn’t allow progress. Maybe you could start with just making a male friend or two? Sometimes that sort of relationship can relieve some of the fear and let a person take the next step.

      • Carmen says:

        Kim I too cried. Being single for 14 yrs now and abstinent from sex for 10 has been rough and trying to date has been scary. But not taking the steps is scarier. I’ve come to realize that throughout this “test” of singeldom that I have found the person I truly am. I am a dominate and a submissive. I’m meant to love myself first before trying to give it to another and that my children come first as well. Dating is damn difficult I agree but don’t give up! I pray you find what you are looking for and can be happy again.

        • Kim says:

          Carmen I agree with everything you’re saying. I was always a strong women, knowing myself and knowing what I wanted. She’s lost right now but I’m working on bringing her back as well as my sexy self that I used to be.
          Thank you for taking the time to respond and share. <3

      • Kim says:

        Lucian you are accurate about the fear that is paralyzing my life. Being a single stay at home in her 40’s is a scary position to be in. I don’t play the victim role but I also have to acknowledge that after all these years that the damage is severe enough that I’ve stopped living. I don’t have a job, I’ve always been a stay at home mom & my oldest of my 2 son’s has Asperger’s. The struggles are on me more than my ex. with all of this there is mental and emotional struggles. When you don’t have single friends or a work place to meet people or be introduced to people where do you go? Online dating I did over 10 years ago and I could write a book on those experiences alone. My self esteem has been destroyed, and I just gave up. I want to find my way out I really do but it’s so scary at the same time. I pray everyday, not sure if he’s hearing me. I thank you for taking the time to respond.

        • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

          You know… I hear this same story so much. I wonder if forming a single ladies’ group might be easier than we think, with ladies in the same exact predicaments. You ladies need to form a united front, form a plan of action where all of you can locally meet and strategize this thing. I don’t know how to do anything a little bit or half-way. And I cannot think of a more important thing to dedicate time to than helping one another find real happiness. It is clearly a no-compromise need and at the same time so very dangerous to necessitate extreme planning and caution. Super Secret High Octane shit, you feeling me?

  14. Melissa says:

    The way you worded this is exactly what most women are looking for…I know I am..I hope to use this when I do find the right one…thank you for your voice and insight…

  15. Jan says:

    You’ve got me thinking and assessing! Thank you! I know what’s important! Just need to keep the focus!!

  16. Kim says:

    Simply profound yet profoundly simple. I love this, it hit home in so many areas. I can honestly say that I think I am all of above to my husband but perception is reality. He may perceive our marriage differently than I do, he may find me lacking in some areas or he could just think that nothing is wrong.

    Great advice, very thought provoking and tear inducing advice 🙂

  17. well when you put it like that.. I want to say yes yes yes!!
    But…

    *** I’m about to get a little personal here***

    I have never been the type of person to just jump into anything. Everything i do is carefully thought out.. minus one or two misshapes here and there. .. However, I’m intrigued by the D/s lifestyle but still not convinced I can or even want to submit.

    even after reading over your questions my answers are still the same… I DON’T KNOW.

    while i know only I can make this decision for myself.. I’m looking forward to what ever insight you might be able to provide to which might help me answer these questions once and for all.

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      What I would love to convey to you is that ALL people engage in a D/s relationship. There is ALWAYS a power struggle in relationships. The DIFFRENCE in the vanilla and the bdsm lifestyle is often just AWARENESS. Those in the lifestyle are “aware” that they are in this power or piviilege exchange, and those in the vanilla lifestyle may or may not be aware that they are in that power play. But nevertheless, it is taking place. There is a Dom/sub relationship happening, only in a vanilla relationship, it’s fucking MESSY looking a lot of times because they never discuss the power exchange, they just engage with their powers and tug-of-wars often ensue along with fighting.

      A lot of people wrongly assume that pain is a necessary part of the bdsm lifestyle when it is NOT. NOBODY is allowed to define for YOU what your pleasure is. You are not REQUIRED to like pain to partake in and enjoy a D/s relationship. You can if you wish, but you are not required. You are allowed to be who and what you want.

      So, that checklist applies to all relationships, not just those in the “formal” lifestyle of D/s.

      I always revert to the simple rule of thumb. If you want him to be more dominant, do what it takes to nurture his dominance. Find out how he is built and cater your submission to that.

  18. Laura says:

    “Some people say ignorance is bliss, but I’m here to tell you it’s the opposite. Women are dying, literally dying inside from needing passion, love, desire. They need it hard, they need it soft, they need it often and daily. This need is instinctual, it is deep, and it destroys relationships and breaks up families because this is not a need that should ever be denied.”

    This quote has the ring of truth.

    Thank you…

  19. lissette says:

    What if you submit and then get punished for submitting to what they for in the first place. What if you submitting is killing you on th inside because he dominates your mentally. And has broken you down to be less than what you are. What if because you submitted to what he wants the act of submitting is thrown in you face. What if your stuck and are afraid to get out. What then?

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      Abuse in any form is never okay. If you are stuck and afraid to get out, there are many online services that will help you. PM Dana Desire if you need it.

  20. Cafuné Løve says:

    Thank you …. you get it, and are willing to help others find it too.

  21. Carmen says:

    Your words hit in a place that is deep within and I am looking forward to more of what you have to give.

    Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to help all of us in need of truth, direction, and self importance.

  22. lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

    you’re all very welcome. Thank you for the comments.

  23. Lori says:

    Very profound words, Lucian. Some of the simple questions you asked remind me of the questions from our pre-wedding counseling almost 26 years ago. Sometimes I feel like we got lost along the way in our journey of life, marriage, kids, careers. Your thought provoking words are a wonderful reminder that, yes this life is worth fighting for and the key is the same thing it always has been…..communication. Thank you Lucian, I look forward to more of your insightful posts!

  24. Julie says:

    WOW !! Thank You Lucian, I want my husband to be more dominate in the bedroom. We do play every once in awhile and it’s such a turn on.

  25. deborah Perry says:

    Very thought provoking questions! You have a way of expressing yourself that every body just gets. From your books, blog takeovers, your abuse day stuff, you are passionate in what you want to say and know how to convey it. Anybody reading understands what is being said. We don’t necessarily know the answers but we think about the questions nonetheless. I take your insights to heart and am trying different approaches you have suggested. Thank you. You didn’t know you were going to be the next Dr. Phil huh?? Lol! I anxiously await your next lessons

  26. Trish says:

    I know this post isn’t really related to ur blog topic. But, I just finished round 4 and Im excited for round 5;)
    Here’s my question? I really hope you can help with. Since you really seem to just understand women;)
    After some soul searching. ..I’ve come to the conclusion. That I never really learned how to date. Or attract the kind of “real man” that I need. I don’t think I’m alone in this. So I really love to know a Doms thoughts are on that topic. Seems so basic. Like it should be obvious. How to do a simple thing like date?
    But for someone like me that was in a 14 yr relationship and had alot of baggage “so to speak” like Tara and Lucian. Like alot of people I’m sure. But, I can totally relate to his childhood and her issues.
    So, I’ve taken the time for just me. Figured out who I am and now looking for what I want. Only, now the dating world leaves me feeling like I need a translator. I’ve never been one for games. Always been straight forward. I feel so old fashioned. .. Since I don’t sleep with someone right away. Certainly don’t wave my freak flag until I’m comfortable with a man.

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  • Note:

    I usually refer to males as the more dominant and females as the more submissive. The intention is NOT to say that ALL relationships should fit that pattern. My relationship experience is with male dominant, female submissive arrangements and that is the only sort of relationship I have firsthand knowledge about.