Vanilla BDSM 101 (Patience My Eager Butterflies)

Hello Sweet Stupid Monday. Okay fine, Tuesday. 🙂

You had lots to ponder over the weekend. So did I. I thought it was pretty heavy to digest in one dose and that elaborating on the various concepts covered might be a good idea. You can’t over prepare for this. It’s too important.

Do you remember what this is? This is a war. Not in the traditional sense, of course, but in the sense that you and your familyare under attack by various factions. Past pains and hurts would like to hi-jack happiness right from your life and for many people, it has suceeded at least in part. Your aim is to take what is rightfully yours. And you are here to gear up with knowledge and understanding in order to do that. They will become your bow and your arrow. Your rear guard and your GPS.

Friday, we talked about you needing the following. I’m going to ADD some elaboration on each.

So, come here and put your forehead against mine. I want to go beyond the surface.

a. Faith. Also known as confidence that things will improve when you apply basic principals. Faith produces hope and will give you the energy to fight, the KNOWING that you will succeed.

Huge sigh. *Places hands on either side of your head and stares down the haunted look in your eyes…* “It’s time for you to believe in yourself. It’s time for you to look in the mirror. It’s time for you to smile. It’s time for you to know who you are. You are precious. You are worthy of honor. No, don’t look away. You are worthy of profound love. You are worthy to be cherished. Worthy to be respected. Worthy to be seen. You are WORTHY to be ENOUGH. Do you hear me? You are enough. You are a fucking TREASURE. I need you to know this like you know rain is wet, like you know blood is red, like you KNOW pain. But it’s time for you to know real love, and I need you to know that you…have the power inside you…to find it. Have it. Own it.”

b. Forgiveness. You WILL not survive this without forgiving your significant other for the wrongs done up to this point, and even forgive yourself for the things you regret.

I know how much it fucking hurts. I know that every time you forgive, it comes back more often than you care to count. I know that your pores are saturated, your bones infused, your mind scarred with the things done to you or the things neglected. Some of you are so overcome with pain that you can only strive to breathe the next breath at times. I know for some of you, living another day is a fucking heroic deed. I need you to know that when it gets to this, that all of us are here with you. We’re here with you in that dark. We understand that dark too. We can unite together in this darkness, distance doesn’t matter, it can’t stop love when it unites. So just hold on. Don’t give up. Even when it all seems to fall to shit. Don’t. Give. Up. You are not victims, you are fucking survivors. And you will survive.

c. Courage. Don’t be afraid. You knew from the beginning in that place that isn’t fooled that all those smiles and cherries had to be fucking planted, tended, they don’t just fall from the sky or ooze out of peoples’ pores.

We’re a united front. You are potential waiting to be molded, shaped, and unleashed. You will be victorious. Believe it. Feel it. Because I sure do.

 d. Wheaties. Please, please, please, keep your body up. How the hell are you going to move your ass without gas? Fumes don’t count. Start exercising and eating right, no excuses, do what you can but do it.

Taking authority over your health is a good place to begin training the parts in you that need to be strong. This is about YOU. This isn’t about your kids, it’s not about your significant other. This is about the man/woman reading this. This is about knowing you are worth good health. Knowing good health is a choice (for most) and knowing that you are WORTH that good choice. Didn’t think you needed any dominance? Ask how far a mother gets without it and you will realize you definitely need it. Dominance is a character trait, a muscle that we use to get jobs done. A good mother does what it takes for her kids. Now I want you to take that talent, that strength, and turn it inward on yourself. You can’t be a good anything if you’re sick and tired.  Devise a plan. A workable, reasonable plan. And execute it.

 e. Like-minded friends Surround yourself with positive influence. I think you know what I mean. If talking to Suzie makes you want to plot your significant other’s murder, for fucksake, cut the ties.

If your extended family/friends don’t lift you up, support you, stand behind you, and RESPECT you, consider disengaging as best you can. If you can’t, go in with your guard high and recognize them for what they are. They are life suckers. Broken. Ignorant. Some are nasty and vicious. Sometimes it’s gradual and indirect. They feed your insecurities and echo your self-doubts. It’s not your fault they’re this way, it’s not anything you’re doing. It’s NOT you. It’s them. Don’t let their disease get on you. Repel their negativity with the truth. When you hear the lies, cancel it out with the truth. If they call you less than in any way, counter it with the truth. And the truth is, you’re smart enough to see through their bullshit and not let it define you.

 f. Endurance You’re going to need this. Eating your Wheaties and keeping your health will supply a lot of this, as well as leaning on your friends.

It’s fine if you falter. It’s fine if you stumble. The key is to not stay down. Have a fucking cry. Beat a wall. Vent to a friend. Then get your ass back in the game, the fight. In war, if you quit fighting, you lose. The end. You can’t let the enemy–whoever or whatever it is–have you, or your castle. You must become the formidable King/Queen of your life, your empire. This is YOUR kingdom. Nobody can take a fucking thing unless you let them. STOP letting them take, use, or abuse you or anything that belongs to you! Find a fucking way to fight, call in reinforcements, come with a united force if you have to, but do fucking come and don’t stop swinging until it’s done.

g. Love (Yeah, load the fuck up on this stuff. Love is the salve that heals all wounds. The miracle medicine. If you think I’m kidding, try it. There is real POWER in love, a living, breathing FORCE that is released inside us. It frees us, empowers us, sustains us.) 

I can’t say enough how very important this is. You can have THE most fucked up life and along comes love and just begins to WIPE shit away. Don’t believe me? Watch. Look at an abused, damaged child and what happens when they begin to experience love, the kind that doesn’t use and abuse. It takes time and work, but you can actually see the damage being washed away. The child begins to thrive and blossom.

There. Is. Hope.

You just need to fight and fight smart.  When you EXPERIENCE real love, oh my fucking God you will know… you will know power. It’s out there. You must learn to use your fears to lead your recon for love, and your fucked up experiences will become your rear guard. I will teach you to use the past to empower you and set you free, to be what you deserve. Fucking awesome. That’s what you are, that’s what you are going to be.

 h. Understanding Get in their shoes. Understanding why people do what they do makes it that much easier to know how to help them. 

Get in your own shoes. Get in. Your own. Shoes. What the hell does that even mean? It means it’s time to understand you. It’s time to cut yourself some slack, step back, and see yourself like you would a friend. Defend yourself. Think of yourself. Think FOR yourself. You can and you will. If the solutions lie inside of you, then you MUST see yourself, embrace the truth, accept what you find inside, FORGIVE those who brought you to this point, who failed you. Be. Under. Standing. Of. You. Have fucking MERCY on yourself, okay? That’s an order. Seriously.

i. Patience You don’t ever usually win a war in a day.

How far have you come? *Quirks brow.* Exactly.

  j. Lots of prayer if you’re a praying person, you will need lots of this. Ask for it from others even, you can’t have too much of this unique condiment. 

This can fall under knowing when you need outside help. There is NOTHING wrong with seeking counsel and knowledge. It IS in fact often the most courageous thing you might do. Reaching out beyond the fear inside. You’re reaching. That’s amazing by itself. Take the small victories, you deserve each one. So this blog is a start. A nice, quiet, solid, start.

That’s enough for today. I hope all of this has spoken to you in ways that arm you for the good fight coming.

Tomorrow, we’ll start discussing specific issues. See you then.

Lucian

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36 Responses to Vanilla BDSM 101 (Patience My Eager Butterflies)

  1. kelly mallett says:

    Happy birthday Lucian and thank you for sharing your wisdom. As I live in the UK, I’m not sure what out version of wheaties are but I’ll make sure I get some when I do the food shop, lol.

  2. L says:

    The way you speak to my heart is incredible. Thanks for giving me hope. What an amazing present to me on your birthday.

  3. Lorraine says:

    “Have fucking mercy on yourself.” Wow. I am my worst critic. Biggest saboteur. Hard, so very hard, on myself.
    “Defend yourself.” Have to work on that. Being told for 15 years that what you do isn’t enough, it’ll never be enough, is a challenge to say the least.

    Thank you. For sharing. For caring. For listening. For empowering. Thank you.

  4. Lori says:

    Wow, I actually had tears in my eyes from the “Faith” paragraph. You sure know how to get into my mind, Lucian and you’ve got me thinking about things in my life that I clearly didn’t know needed changing. You’re amazing….Thank you!

  5. Katrina says:

    In all that you’re saying, it must be understood that the couple is doing this together, because if only one in the team is doing it, it won’t work. That one person would be doing all the forgiving while the other continues to fuck up. That becomes mentally and emotionally draining on the only one trying. They are just spinning their wheels going nowhere fast. It has to be a team effort, meaning both SO’s are working on the relationship. The problem a lot of times, is realizing you both probably have some changing to do; admitting you’ve both failed at something and then try fixing it. Sometimes one party always thinks it’s the other party’s fault. When both can’t admit their own shortcomings, it’s hard to start winning the first battle much less the war.

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      Thank you for that insight, sweetheart. This entire series is geared to couples and when I”m speaking to a single individual in my post, know that I’m speaking to both the individuals in the relationship. I will work on making that more obvious perhaps in future posts. The angle in this post, is to get the individuals, both people in the relationship even, to see themselves in a healthy way. I’m needing very much to get into the heart and mind of EACH person, which is why I individualize it. Also, I need them thinking not about the other person or people in their lives, but about THEM. This is about taking a hard look at who you are to yourself. And changing your outlook about yourSELF. Because if you think you’re not worth anything, you will not be able to do the things that need doing.

      So, you’re correct in what you’re saying, and I “will” get to rules of engagement. Trust me. I will deal with how to handle an SO who isn’t playing fair. It’s a pretty clear cut solution too.

      • Katrina says:

        Sorry, If I got ahead. I have already been through this with counseling during a marriage that didn’t work out, even after counseling. It’s hard to take that good long look in the mirror at yourself and see your own shortcomings, so when one or both) doesn’t, it fails. I guess, I was reliving somethings as you spoke to me/us in your newsletter. You are doing a fabulous job, Lucian.

        • Katrina says:

          I do want to say, though, that the marriage I have now is where every marriage needs to be. What you are teaching is similar to the steps we took before we married. We looked at ourselves and our own needs and talked a lot to each other about what we each expected out of our marriage and from one another and thank goodness we were both on the same path. I am not meaning to brag, I just want to say that when the right steps are taken and both are committed to each other and the relationship, putting each other first, yet not losing yourself in the process because your spouse won’t let you (they give you freedom because of trust) the relationship really becomes so easy, loving and full.

  6. Rachel says:

    This has really hit home with me 🙁 it made me cry because I do feel as how you explained it all .. Now it’s time to change the way things need to be..so thank you..

  7. S says:

    Had to stop several times while reading because i could not stop crying. Its hard to build yourself back up when there are/were years of someone pulling you down. I struggle everyday with who I am. Some are good some are not so good. I am hoping that soon there will be more smiles that last longer than silent cries hiding in the bathroom. Thank you. For what you are doing and being a light to guide.

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      You’re breaking my heart. Please continue following the blog and together, we will get you there. Don’t you dare stop fighting the good fight.

      • S says:

        Im laying here re-reading everything again. And my tears are silent yet again. Because I want so hard to not give up. I want there to be that slight chance, that tiniest of hope that it will turn around … in that same breath if there is only one willing to fight how long should I continue to fight?

  8. Krista Booklover says:

    Lucian,
    This is so poignant, well thought out and meaningful. I just read it with my husband and we connected with every single point you made. Every single one. We actually read it three times, lol, because it is a lot to take in. But we did, and will continue to this week, and discuss where our strengths and weaknesses lie, individually and as a couple, and how we can improve the weaknesses and make the areas where we are strong even stronger.
    I don’t know if you’ve ever read any of John Maxwell’s books, he’s a former pastor and awesome author who writes mainly about building and maintaining relationships. Your post reminded me of something he said in his book Winning with People. There are a lot of hurting people out there and hurting people often hurt others, but are also very easily hurt themselves. I think that is so true and it affects every part of their lives including, or especially, their marriages. Loving yourself, forgiving yourself, figuring out how to really do that, leads to you learning how to really love others unselfishly and unconditionally, especially your spouse. It’s hard though, really hard, and takes a lot of work and commitment, but I think if we are all honest, most of us carry some kind hurt within us, at varying levels and degrees, but that still effects us in our relationships nonetheless. We are going to pray about all of this as well, and ask for help, because for us that only makes us stronger, and we need all the help we can get, lol. So thank you for including that step as well. We loved your thoughts and look forward to more. Thank you.
    <3 Krista and Kevin

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      Wow. The relationship that you and your husband have is where I need to get relationships to before the wars are waged. Love is the foundation we must establish first. Love for ourselves, and love for others. A lot of people have varying degrees of imbalance of those two and each couple must determine what theirs are, assess. And then formulate a strategy, and negotiate solutions that cater to those needs. And I promise you, with that, you cannot fail.

  9. Joanna says:

    Damn Lucian! You are so f*cking awesome! I needed this! I needed this so badly! Somehow ‘thank you’ doesn’t seem to do it! This right here……right here…… Is why I am proud to be on your Street Team. It’s why I vote in every contest, it’s why I take pride in Pimping you and the Dom Wars Series.
    I am enough all by myself. I am worthy of being loved. Thank you, Lucian.

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      LOL yes you are worthy, you are enough. You’re even so much more than that, and I aim to prove it to you.

  10. Amy Garcia says:

    Thank you Lucian. I am no longer in a relationship but I am following your Vanilla BDSM 101 for life lessons instead of relationship lessons. Your message is strong, intelligent and very real, I appreciate that. I am a 45 year old single mother of 5 daughters and am very familiar with the Dominating personality trait.. It has also made being in a meaningful relationship difficult as I am a bit bossy and enjoy being in control but it will come, when it’s time, and I am learning from you ways to be dominate but loving, caring and kind as well, not issues I have with my children but with men yes. And for that I am grateful, keep sending you message, the world needs more people like you.

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      You would be surprised what “knowing” things can do for us. When we know things about ourselves, we can navigate them with others. Being dominant as a woman is an extremely valuable trait. What we need training in is to learn how to dominate in love. Anger, rudeness, quick tempers, know it all attitudes, all of those are destructive forms of dominance. We need CONSTRUCTIVE dominance. It’s easy to get angry and fly off the handle, but it’s not easy to hold your tongue, and consider your response. But the greater Dominant, is the loving Dominant. Anything else is broken and doesn’t ever work toward builidng a happy life.

      Keep the faith.

  11. Tina McClay says:

    How is it that you can speak to so many yet it feels like just to me? A lot of truth just spoken here, not sure how to absorb it all. Time to reflect. Thank you.

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      Actually, I was just speaking to you. When I write, I speak to many but they are all individuals in my mind. There are a lot of “yous” out there, lol. 🙂

  12. Kim says:

    Wow!! So many of your words hit home!! All my life I was told I was never good enough by certain people and it has spilled over in my relationships. I feel like sometimes I am holding on by a thin thread. Sometimes I feel it would just be easier to cut the string and just hide. All I can say is thank you for taking your time and sharing your wisdom. You have made me want to fight for myself and my relationship.

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      I am so thrilled to hear that. I”m preparing you to take the reigns of your life and lead yourself out of darkness. Let’s turn that thread holding you together into something unbreakable.

  13. Kimie Sutherland says:

    Lucian,
    I know you said this series is geared towards couples, but I beg to differ. What you wrote rocked me to my core. I’m a single mom in my 40’s and have been single for way too long. The pain, the fear, the hurt from a failed marriage has scarred me to the point of just existing in life, not living and thriving. I have cried myself to sleep while asking God if he even hears me anymore. The pain of not having been kissed touched or even hugged by man in over 7 years has been hard to bear and the loneliness is so painful at times. Yep you become paralyzed by life and before you know it you’re emotionally dying a slow death. That’s where I am in my life. Then I read a post by a man who placed his forehead on mine and held my head and told me “It’s time”. You know what Lucian? I felt you and it moved me. I needed this like I need my next breath and boy did I cry. I am printing this out because I am going to look in the mirror and tell myself that I am deserving and that I need to fight and get back in the game. This is my time to get right for me and when that happens I know that’s when I will meet the man who will treasure my heart. That’s what You did for me and that is more than anyone has done for me in years. So thank you Lucian your words woke something deep inside of me right the fuck up. You have given me hope. Please know and understand that those words aren’t for just couples but for anyone who isn’t happy with who they are or where they are in life. I’m hanging by a fine thread but I’m ready to get in the game and kick my own ass! ❤️

    • lucian.bane.author@gmail.com says:

      I”m glad I came back and read this. Thank you for letting me know my words help. It means a lot to me, makes me breathe easier when I hear that.

      <3

  14. Jennifer says:

    I have already read this twice and am seriously thinking about printing it up and sticking it on the back of my bedroom door so I see it daily. I am a single mom and don’t have to work through any relationship issues…but I am not the person I want to be, not at the level I want to be at, when I begin another relationship.

    This is an AMAZING thing you are doing here Lucian…I am grateful to be apart of it.

  15. Katrina says:

    I try to keep my mouth shut on here and some of his posts I do. This posts has touched so many, even me. Yes, right now I am in an exceptionally good place, but know that it wasn’t always that way. I am reading all of your posts and feel your pain of being single or being broken in spirit. I have been there. To the point where I Just.Didn’t.Want.To.Go.On. I have been in that place where you don’t think you are good enough, even though I felt good as a mother, I didn’t feel good enough as a spouse because of the way I was treated in that relationship. I was so empty; so hollow, and had lost myself. If you are in a relationship, I hope everything Lucian is teaching you helps you and your SO save that relationship and both of you will work towards fixing what needs fixing, because going through a divorce is like a death, especially if it is a long marriage. You don’t get through it without even more bruises and bumps. But only you can be the judge of that.

    If you are single, then you are doing great to use what he is saying to work on you first. Fix you first before trying to be in another relationship, because if you aren’t careful, you can bring old problems into a new relationship, which can make the chances of that new relationship fail. It’s better to be alone then to be miserable in another failed relationship. Blessings and peace to all of you.

  16. Dawn Doyle says:

    Wow your words are profound. You reached and not much does. I wish I had read this five or ten years ago. Thank you!

  17. Gail says:

    Faith…I am in tears. I can go no further. To be able to not only believe but feel that truth all the way to my soul. I would give anything for that. I will never have it. You are a beautiful person.

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  • Note:

    I usually refer to males as the more dominant and females as the more submissive. The intention is NOT to say that ALL relationships should fit that pattern. My relationship experience is with male dominant, female submissive arrangements and that is the only sort of relationship I have firsthand knowledge about.