Vanilla BDSM 101 (So You Want A Dom Do You? Part 2)

 

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As with all my posts, I do not claim to be a doctor, therapist, priest, or any other professional of that sort. All you find in the sentences below are my ‘opinion’. To be considered like toilet tissue. Use it to wipe your eyes, your ass, or plug your ears, it’s all good.

I’m going to gear this post to vanilla men who are basically “decent men”. This means they’re not perfect but they’re willing to try to do what is necessary to save the family even if they don’t know what that is. The men who understand the sacrifice that comes with a family and understands that priorities have their order, even if he may have the order wrong.

Next week we can deal with “stubborn” men who are good, we’re sure, somewhere beyond that selfish ME-ME fortress they live in. These men have the potential to be good if they’re MADE to break the bad habits they’ve formed.

Our goal?

Getting our mates to become what we need/desire them to be.  A lot more passion in the bedroom at the least would be nice. A true Dom in the bedroom even nicer.

Our tactic? (in case you’ve forgotten)

Becoming the sub that will bring out this Dom.

Can’t have two Dommes in the kitchen.

You may have heard that saying, ‘You can’t have two women in the kitchen.’ And how true that is. A woman RULES her kitchen. And there can only be ONE ruler in the kitchen.

Do you know how often I hear women say they TRULY want a Dom in the bedroom?

Get your writing device and take this down:

Are you ready?

If you WANT your husband to become a Dom, you MUST become the sub. (ECHO)

A man and a woman BOTH possess natural dominance. They BOTH have strengths that allow them to control and defer at various times in their lives and jobs. And discussing roles and positions in your relationship, and coming to agreements on these roles and positions, is a discussion that NEEDS being had. And AFTER you both determine your roles, then you can help each other stick to them or change the agreement until a workable solution is found to fit both your needs. I like to call this a floating contract, a living contract that moves and breathes as you both mature and grow as ONE.

The thing with most vanilla husbands (the kind we’re addressing) is… his main goal is to please his wife and family, appease his wife, and keep peace. And hopefully get a piece of good ass, respect, gratitude, and love out of the deal somewhere. That’s about it. Among working a day job until he dies.

So you want to inspire his natural dominance, and in order to do that, you must use your SUBMISSIVE strengths. What does that look like in vanila terms?

Need him.

Want him.

Appreciate him.

Respect him.

And not just his body. (Contrary to popular belief, good men don’t like being used by their wives in any way, they like being LOVED by their wives, PASSIONATELY in every crevice of their lives.)

The SUBMISSIVE DOMME.

This is a little something that I’ve seen women do that resembles submission, but it is submissive manipulation.  That’s when you use your submission to get what YOU want rather than what HE wants. Not that you don’t count, but remember, there is no me or you in US.

This has to be fairly agreed upon in a meeting of the wills, hearts, and minds before you start off. I’m not going to teach you how to get your way, I’m going to teach you how to be a soul mate. And that begins with submitting to both your needs and desires (we’ll discuss which are considered healthy later).

This agreement needs to include rules of engagement for both parties. What you will be doing differently and how you will help one another when that difference is too difficult to carry out.  Agree at the get go that you are a team. One. You think and move as one. For each other, never against each other.

Mentally Prepare

This step is VERY important. Because all your “thinking” and “planning” and “determining” to do things differently is about to be put to the test when he walks in the door. YOU are going to be put to the test. Old habits will surface inside you, old reflexes.  You must determine ahead of time how you will think and respond. DON’T react. Respond. Remember you move as a team.

Take notes

I don’t want to sound like a PRIEST or anything, but I do believe the enemy is invisible and has a stranglehold on your family and you. *tapping temple* Our minds are like traps, they come equipped with power: to keep us in a prison, or set us free.

Thank fuck we can change our minds with practice. So, this is where paying attention and note taking comes in. You will write what is happening with you, him, and the children (if any), during operation first steps. You need to find hot spots, sore spots, and triggers. In you, in him, in them. Those are what I’d call enemy strong holds. Learn them, because they’ll need special treatment.

You have to learn to be CRAFTY. The enemy (let’s name it Mr. ME-ME-PANTS) uses human needs and instincts to move them to its broken tune. ME-ME feels good. ME-ME gets what it likes. ME-ME is the boss of everything.

Well, ME-ME, let me introduce you to US-US. We’re also known as the Grow-The-Fuck-Up crew. Not all humans enter into the US-US rest.  Many carry our childhood ME-ME’s into our adult lives because of the vicious ME-ME generational cycle that was never broken. (maybe because your parents were bound by Mr. ME-ME Pants and their parents’ parents. Lots of times this involves drug abuse, sexual abuse, and many other forms of abuse) The blame list goes farther back than you can see no doubt but snap to attention, the time is here and now, you, your family– ‘coup de’family initiates today, you’re changing things today. And get ready for messy, because you don’t break up a ME-ME party without tantrums being thrown. And especially don’t be shocked when you find that your greatest ME enemy is YOURSELF. *yeah, I know. HELLO*

But, take notes again. The US has an advantage over the ME. For one, Us makes logical sense in connection to FAMILY. And Us, can give you something that ME can never give.

Real fulfillment.

Real joy.

Real peace.

Real love.

Real passion.

Are we all nodding yet? Are you writing this in your heart? Are you getting this? There is only ONE way that this JOY, LOVE, PASSION, RAPTURE ship can be sailed, and that is with an US crew. ME cannot drive the US ship. ME is a ONE man band for a ONE man world. Do you see the problem with that mindset? Pretty fucking stupid when you think about it. It CAAAAAAAAAN’T work.

So you’re mentally ready and you have your mind set.

Your assignment:

Tell your special someone that you’re doing a little family study. Get your paper and pen and ask questions (yes, this is a real assignment, and you will write it down. You need to be able to refer back to their answers for forming the relationship standards that will change your lives)

Ask the following questions:

1. What are your goals for yourself, as a man?

2. What are your goals for your job?

3. What are your goals for your kids?

4. What are your goals for your wife?

5. What are your goals as a father?

6.  What are your goals as a husband?

Maybe you can just give him the list and ask him to answer in his own time, or with you if he wants. If not, let him know you are answering them as well and will give him your answers when you’re done.

The purpose of this is to get you both in touch with each other, with what you know you want, and maybe to realize that you don’t even know a lot of what you want.

The “questioning” phase needs to happen before we can initiate identifying the “problem” phase. And after that comes the “solutions” phase.

My suggestion:

Gear up with love, and surround yourself with patience. For him, and yourself.

And for fucksake, try to have fun while doing this. Set the mood and he will likely follow it. Don’t make it so serious that he feels the need to go into hiding or go on the defense.

Lucian

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11 Responses to Vanilla BDSM 101 (So You Want A Dom Do You? Part 2)

  1. Maria Williams says:

    I so LOVE this Lucian! Romance is no problem at all…Lol! I respect, love & admire my husnand. The thing with me is I’m in heat…always! Bahahaha! I’m in my prime & I swear I have jumped him from one moment to the next. I am way more Dom in the bedroom because I won’t wait for him to approach me or wake me up. I take over very quickly & I think he likes it- which is why he just lays back dammit! Ok! I’ll change things up a bit is how it turns out.
    You rock Bane!

  2. Jennifer says:

    Taking notes for future relationships for sure…

  3. Wendy says:

    This is just what I’ve been looking for! Thank you!

  4. Tina McClay says:

    to see truth written, priceless. THANK YOU!

  5. Salina says:

    Good information. Lucky me I discovered your blog by accident (stumbleupon).

    I’ve book-marked it for later!

    My web page; website (Salina)

  6. Pingback: Vanilla BDSM 101 (your ‘asshat’ other half)

  7. Deyanira Camacho says:

    Awesome! Aren’t in a relationship at the moment but definitely taking notes for when the time comes! 🙂 thanks!

  8. baby girl says:

    Finally a site with real content!!!! I am dominant in my career but a submissive at heart and in the bedroom. My boyfriend is vanilla with sub tendencies. I have been trying to get him to be more dominant with me and he wants me to be more dominant with him. I agree that being more submissive will help. How can beimg more submissive work if he is clearly and specifically asking me to be more dominant; to make decisions for the relationship, do role plays of me taking him captive…

  9. Amy says:

    I am definitely having my husband read this and I am learning to change now!! Thank you Lucian. You are amazing

  10. secretslave says:

    This is so right -thank you for writing it Lucian

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  • Note:

    I usually refer to males as the more dominant and females as the more submissive. The intention is NOT to say that ALL relationships should fit that pattern. My relationship experience is with male dominant, female submissive arrangements and that is the only sort of relationship I have firsthand knowledge about.