Vanilla BDSM 101 (Beginning)

Welcome to your first class.

First, I’d like to say that I woke up every day for the last week feeling the burden of this series of posts to come. How to present the ideas and concepts in a way that women will get. Really get. For one, I’m speaking to mass diversity. Not everything I will say will apply to all, and some of what I say, in fact, goes against the grain of people’s situations. And, I worry about that.

So, let’s start off by you understanding a few things.

One: I don’t have YOUR answers. Only you do. Only you know what your marriage/relationship is suffering or struggling through. Only you know the history between you and your significant other (S.O.) Only you know how long you’ve tried this and that. Only you know what you’re feeling. This is not a therapy session, this is us discussing various basic issues that we all have,male and female alike, and their possible solutions. Some of these solutions you may have tried and they didn’t work, some you may not.

Now that you understand that I am not assuming to know your life and situation…

…let me tell you what I do know. I do know that we have the power to change only one thing. And that is how WE act and respond in life. And it is that tool, that basic tool, that I will help you learn to use to your advantage, to your family’s advantage, for the overall happiness of those you love, including yourself.

So, let’s begin.

I’m going to approach this as an operation.

First order of any operation is ASSESSING the problems/situation. Before you operate, you must know about that body, all past and current medical conditions, mental and emotional wellness, etc.

This translates to you as:

Take a look at your life. Take a look at your marriage. Take a look at your S.O. and most importantly, take a look at yourself.

Assess. Take notes. Literally wouldn’t hurt, get it out of your head and onto paper.

Two things most essential to keep in mind when performing any operation: The directive, and the procedure.

This translates to you as:

Figure out what you want that is missing in your marriage/relstionship.

And what are you going to do to get it.

Now, I’m going to assume a few of your basic issues/problems/needs.

“I don’t feel loved.”

“I don’t feel cherished.”

“I don’t feel respected.”

“I don’t feel important in their lives.”

“I don’t feel protected/safe.”

“I don’t feel emotionally, mentally, sexually, and intimately desired.”

So, the above would be the problem, the directive would be having those needs met.

But before we talk procedure, before we operate, you need to recognize something important. You are operating on a RELATIONSHIP which means TWO people are involved. So, we will need to assume the same above needs/desires/problems/issues exist for the other individual in this operation.

So, what’s next?

We assess the current and past conditions surrounding the issue of the OTHER person involved. In order to do that, you need to answer the following:

“Do they feel loved?”

“Do they feel cherished?”

“Do they feel important in your life?”

“Do they feel protected and safe?”

“Do they feel desired emotionally? Menatlly? Sexually? Intimately?”

If you answered these as you read them with a yes or no, then stop, erase your answers, because you are not qualified to answer them. Only they are.

So, your first assignment is…

FIND those answers out. Some of you are in a position that you can simply ask them these questions and they will feel free to answer you. Ask them for simple yes or no answers for now, you can ask more questions later. Tell them you are conducting a health checkup on your relationship. Whatever your situation, figure out how to get those answers. Be clever, be sensitive, and above all, be kind.

Then we’ll talk about those answers and go from there.

Lucian

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12 Responses to Vanilla BDSM 101 (Beginning)

  1. angela peters says:

    I got a yes from my hubby on every question, must be doing something right.

  2. Katrina says:

    Exactly 🙂

  3. Markie Burke says:

    Thank you Lucian. I appreciate your time and willingness to direct.

  4. valencia says:

    Thank you for beginning your sessions.

  5. Jamie says:

    Ohh thank god. This is awesome!

  6. Lauren says:

    This is great so glad you are doing this

  7. Kelly Mallett says:

    THank you Lucian, that is very insightful and has definitely given me a lot to think about.

  8. Farah says:

    Thank you for this great class!! I will try it out tonight & see!!!

  9. Kim says:

    Thank you, great advice. Truly eye opening.

  10. Cafuné Løve says:

    You are going to be a great teacher

  11. Well said, as always.

  12. Jan says:

    The analogy is well done and totally applicable! You’re so right that we can’t answer how another person feels without asking them. No assumptions! Learning so much already! Thank you for spelling it out!

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  • Note:

    I usually refer to males as the more dominant and females as the more submissive. The intention is NOT to say that ALL relationships should fit that pattern. My relationship experience is with male dominant, female submissive arrangements and that is the only sort of relationship I have firsthand knowledge about.